i brought what he said he liked

i brought what he said he liked

(for brenda garcia)

 

i brought what he said he liked

cereal, chocolates

lactaid milk for his damned belly

i made sure the juice was cold

and the apartment clean

i placed my smells in the corners

so everywhere he went he would rediscover me

then after a long pearl bath

among my personal stars

the memory of the day

after chanting my daily affirmations

and repeating his promises with

every step in the light rain

i went to sleep happy

 

he made me grin inside

not loudly

just something slowly churning beneath

my heart that hums throughout the day

something at every stoplight lifting my chin to his kiss

the subtle pleasure rolling down the

small of my back then between my hips

his call always the calm before sleep

my hands on my breasts were his hands

the weight of my coat 

the darkness of his embrace

thumbed a rodding cadence in my belly

and now and then

in the light rain

amid the traffic

a wet tongue across my cheek

 

he had to see his son

i implored him to spend more time with his son

he agreed

but he would come to me afterward

tomorrow overnight

yes, tomorrow

and we would make love before breathing

still in our clothes in the hallway

and there would be all the time we ever wanted

a wonderful smallness rolling from my mouth to his

tomorrow morning at eight before work

i would be his woman the way he wants me

 

when i awoke in the new world of the new day

i wandered naked thinking how he would see me

how i would present my love to him as

he lay among my covers

how i would let him touch me and

be ready to receive him deep and slow

and how lost we would be pushing into one another

i was lost in his promises

his voice soft across my shoulders

my hands preparing my thighs for his

 

8am came like a stranger who does not stop at your door

and takes his flowers and smile down the bright morning street

he did not call

he did not come at 8am or at 8:30 or 8:45

i went to work

drowning in the cathedral of my new eastern blues

my silent aloneness became a quiet doorless vacancy

i stayed near the phone

then went home after a while

fighting off sickness

the disintegration of my cells

my age and weight loud among the loss

there was a message

“overslept”

and nothing more

a single thing

and all the empty universe to follow

i moved into blues so dark that my skin was bright

i sat silent in the evening wells of a northern countryside

i became a small stone behind other mysterious things

i called but no answer

still thinking he may come

i called all day

in the sky the rain came and went

and the next day

and the next

and no answer

 

this is the story of us

me and a man in new york who

told me he dreamed of long rides in the country

and ice cream on sundays

a man whose whispers fingerprint my blue memory like

a twilight windowpane discovered to hold a child’s handprint

who said among the many things he said that

whirled me across the city in a dizzy autumn waltz

that he was desperate for me and

only longed to be near me

 

sometimes i see women rushing on the downtown trains

glancing at their rings

so others will know how they come

claimed in the morning

sometimes they tell me about a man they met

who writes them poems and spreads his kisses

over them like moonlight through trees

and i know that all things being equal

when bliss turns to absence

it is foolish to love a man so

to declare him a god before he performs any miracles